Let Your Genius Emerge

Be a Baby of Your Own!

February 13, 2022 Julia Bright Season 1 Episode 8
Let Your Genius Emerge
Be a Baby of Your Own!
Show Notes Transcript

How do you talk within yourself? Even though you have grown up, do you still hear your parents' voice in your head and their expectations? 
You are an adult now and you can have take two and take three if you like, you can be your own guide, your own inner parent now and find your own ways. We are going to t5alk about fun ways to do that and nobody has to know about them because they are just in your mind!
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Hello and welcome back to Let Your Genius Emerge Podcast! This is Julia Bright, your host, feeling the spring approaching! It isn’t just Valentine’s day though, and not even the weather. It was -20 degrees Celsius overnight in Ottawa, so I can’t say it is close to spring just yet, but I can still feel it! I start reshuffling things, redecorating, everybody is on high alert around me this time of the year, so be warned! Changes are ahead!

Spring will arrive on March 20th at 11:33 am Eastern Standard time. I checked. That is when my New Year starts. We have four more episodes till then, so I am formulating my New Year Plan.

I was talking about depression in the last two episodes, and I promised to open a new topic about self control. And I will, but I decided to delay it a bit, because I need to build on what we discussed so far. We talked about the basic needs of homeless people who only want bread where there is no bread, and a safe place to sleep, when they don’t even have a bed on their own. If you ask them, they would say they would not want anything else in life, but enough to eat, like The Wishing Table in Grimm’s fairy tales. But of course, when you don’t remember starving anymore, you step up in your needs.

We also examined how our human ancestors all lived in survival mode in the paleolithic times, when they all had to look for food, move around, they only owned as much as they could carry. 

Now I am going to talk about a third example and a fourth one today. 

One healthy example of the survival level is the life of an infant, the newborn who is dependent on his or her mother or caregiver. I wish every baby in this century would be welcomed, their arrival would be well planned and dealt with. For that however sex cannot be taboo anymore and partners shouldn’t be surprised and call babies accidents. Even then they would have nine whole months to prepare which they usually don’t and they don’t know how to utilize their resources and just go with the flow. Poor babies. Poor new parents who probably had been poor babies before.

Anyway, babies are born, they are fed, diapers are changed, they sleep, with luck more than mine did, hopefully well dressed, not too hot and not too cold, like Goldilocks, They are taken outside, they can move freely to gain motor skills. They are probably held for closeness too.  

As they get older, they might gain some control over some of their needs so they can hold their own spoon and make a big mess around them, or use the potty. They start to walk, communicate, and talk. 

As children grow they take on more and more responsibilities over their own needs and I strongly believe that parents need to focus on this. If parents do nothing else but prepare  children to look after their own needs independently, they are going to be successful in their roles. With babies, eat independently, then prepare some school lunch bags independently, then shop independently then cook independently. Just like Getting dressed independently, sorting clothes, then doing laundry independently. Get it? 

Before I had children I was preparing for my babies consciously. I read a lot of books and I decided to have an 18-year contract with each child of mine. In that I said I will always provide them with nutritious food to eat, roof over their heads, proper clothes, give them education, look after their health, and give them lots of love. I also gave some details like I wanted to teach them how to walk, then bike, then swim, drive  a car, and other things.

When my sons got older, they were aware of this contract, so when I got cancer they got frightened, none of them were 18 yet. So I calmly assured them that nothing will happen to me because I have to fulfill my contracts 3 times over. When my oldest turned 18, he worriedly asked me if this would be the time when he loses his mom? I had to assure him that my legal guardianship over him had just expired, he was his own legal person now, so my role in his life just changed. I would be honored to become his friend, his confidant, I can take up any role he would supply me with, but an old fashioned mother I don’t want to be. I won’t fuss over him and I won’t ask embarrassing questions, not that I ever have.

I am not saying I haven’t made a ton of mistakes. Oh yes, I have. Maybe that is one reason I am doing this podcast right now to correct my earlier thoughts and actions, whatever ways they might have been interpreted. Unfortunately as I said, I have sons who are harder to talk to than girls in general. 

So now I set the scene, I have a pile of basic needs, babies and children who grow up with parents who try to fulfill their needs, from the previous episodes we have depression still on in one corner, how our ancestors dealt with stressors as they arose and didn’t let them accumulate to become chronic.

You might have never dealt with depression, on top of that you might not even have met anyone who suffered from it. Then I would strongly suspect you are not from North America or Western Europe.  But you have surely been dealing with financial problems, racial or ethnic conflicts, gender issues, cultural biases. How do you cope with those stressors? Most of us don’t fare too well, I know I don’t, so if you have some good suggestions, please share them!

I find there are times I need to hit the reset button. I used to wish I could be taken far away, to do something completely different, reset my sleep and eating schedule, and give a new perspective in life. It is hard to do all that in the same old environment, especially where I suffered through cancer treatments. 

So I formed this idea about nurturing yourself as a child. Imagine that you are playing the movie of your life and you can have a take two or take three or how many takes you need to perform your action. See, with take one, the original cast your parents did what they did, how they could do, and it’s over. You are now an adult, you can start to rethink how you live your life. At the age of 18 you probably make superficial changes, like stay out late and start drinking and smoking just because you can. 

Later on your brain reaches adulthood too, around the age of 25 or so, and you start to think about who  you really are and who and what you want to become. Now it is up to you and no one else. 

Parents make mistakes, and you don’t need to hold them responsible for them forever, you grow up and you can take charge, change yourself when you get to know your human nature, your own personal nature within it and then you start to develop your idea of who you really want to become. And that is when you start to reshape and sculpt yourself. You will become your own empathetic parent, coach, instructor, and best friend at the same time. You can lean on a lot of people. Especially your friends and people who you see can support your new you. You need strength when you need to let old acquaintances go who will hinder your progress. Please surround yourself with only those who can support you! 

You are an adult who takes care of your inner child with the attention it deserves. This child deserves all the time and patience in the world, because it is you! Building a habit can take 6 months and it is not linear. It is up and down, forgetting and remembering, full of sticky notes, setting alarms or whatever other ways you can find to build a habit. 

Remember, a good parent never criticizes, never labels, just calmly states the facts and reminds and starts over as many times as needed. Practice parenting on yourself.

I know it sounds crazy to say to be your own parent, it seems like you disassociate and you do. You look at yourself from the outside and this way you don’t take anything so personally. Let’s take an example. You want to go to the gym after work. First day you are so exhausted that you completely forget and you only remember when you get home. Shoot, you are saying to yourself, and that was the first day of my commitment! What does your Inner parent say? Yes, it was only the first day, and you had a tough day. What can you do to avoid this next time? So, you  can answer: I can put it into my calendar and before I leave work it can remind me to drive to the gym. Good.

The next day, your reminder beeps, you go to the gym but you forgot your gym bag at home. Shoot. You go home frustrated,  and your inner parent says: ok, so you got to the gym today, so what can you do next time to actually do some workout? 

I know It is becoming a bit comical but your inner parent could have advised you to do some planning two weeks before and fill your gym bag and have it ready in your car in case you ever get to the gym. But what can you do, when both your inner parent and inner child are you?

What I am getting at is that you need to be just as patient with yourself each step of the way as you will be with your own future child. You are not to say You Dummy, can’t you just figure it out? I have already told you twice, why are you not listening? Labeling and ridiculing will never work.

Taking care of your inner child is especially crucial when you are recovering from depression.

You have been completely lost, you might not even remember what happened on some days, how you survived, you might just get up, eat something and go back to bed again. Some people don’t take a shower for days, don’t clean their place, just curl up in bed. 

How can you get out of this state? After a while you do get up, go to the washroom, or get something to eat. This is when you can call your inner parent to action even for a few minutes. If you can disassociate for a while and do a little bit of extra each time, you are getting ahead! When going to the bathroom, at the same time your inner parent would clean the sink. When you get something to eat, your inner parent would clean up in the sink and would tell you something that makes you smile. Remember when your mother did this in the kitchen or had this saying?

I have another disassociation game. I think it would work for people in depression or procrastinators, or people with ADHD too.

The aristocrats used to have servants by the dozens before the second world war, but especially the first world war. They had the butler, the driver, the gardener, the parlor maid, the cook, the assistant, their personal companion, their secretary and who knows who else.

You might think we can’t afford to have them anymore, but we can. The only thing is we can only have one working at one time, and the rest, are bystanders. Now when you indulge, being all equal, they are all indulging, they all have their nails or hair done too. 

So let’s say Joe is the driver and Anne is the maid. Well, Joe also does small repairs around the house, they are married, so sometimes you just call them JoeAnne, and they come and very efficiently they get the housecleaning done within a few hours. At the beginning they could be very sloppy and slow but if you are consistent with your requirements and point out where improvements are needed, they will soon get better.  

Mrs Peabody is the cook. She only comes a few times a week. JP is the fitness instructor, and Bella is the beautician. JP calls sick quite often lately, you don’t know what to do with him, he literally has to shape up. Bella is there one full night a week and then on call. She is taking care of your hair, your nails, she does foot care, a little bit of body care,  Ms Peny is the accountant. She is also sick most of the time, so you need to make a decision about her too.

It is a fun game to play and nobody needs to know about it. You can define the job requirements for each persona, what you want them to do, when and where, and you can hold them accountable. Mrs Pea is really good with cooking, very coordinated, can get three or four different dishes done at the same time and within about two to three hours. Well done, Mrs Pea! Ms Penny however is not that great sitting down at regular times to  pay bills and record expenses, this way we are still in the dark or at least in the fog about our spending. Ms. Penny  needs improvement. 

I usually create a list for the week ahead with all major errands and notes that I have to pay attention to. You could actually just for fun assign these to your staff and say your assistant or your accountant needs to get this or that done by that time or on that day. You become the supervisor and you can just help yourself run through scenarios of how to get it done if it seems too difficult. When you look at it from a supervisory mindset you are not directly involved, you are once removed from the problem. 

Time and its management is an issue for many people, especially for people with anxiety and depression. Many of us find it very difficult to work from home where we get distracted by housework and media, family and so much more. It’s much easier to go to work and do job related stuff there and home related stuff at home. That way there are clear boundaries and control over time and productivity. Once I heard an entrepreneur saying that he is scheduling his time by the 15 minutes slots. But he also said that he doesn’t mind flying over the continent to get a picture taken with famous and rich people who will further his agenda to get richer and more famous. That is true vanity. But that is not what I was going to get at. How many of us can account for every 15 minutes of our time? A day has 24 hours or 1440 minutes. We could spend 8 hours or 480 minutes in bed, We eat actively for about 45 to 60 minutes a day, of course it can be more than that with preparation. 

It can be really useful to set up a habit-time slot, when you string some things you need to do together. The most common example would be the morning routine, when you decide to stretch before you get up and then you might want to do a 5 minute sun salutation to start a better day followed by a light breakfast of your healthy choice, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, getting your hair and face in order. You string these activities together so one pulls on the other, this way you won’t ever need to remember them separately. The same way your before bed routine can be just as important. It prepares you for the next day. You won’t just get your body cleaned and change into your nightgown but you will also get your clothes ready for the morning, your brown bag, or lunch prepared, anything that you will need for the next day you need to put into your briefcase so in the morning you will just reach for it and off you go! I will talk about useful daily routines later on. 

Time is the only truly democratic exchange. Everybody has the same amount but not everybody uses it wisely or fully.

Some think they can really multitask and do many things at the same time. Sure. I can breathe, talk, and walk and put my hat on at the same time. Breathing goes with everything. I can cook six different dishes at the same time, because it is the stove and the oven that does the job. I just prepare, put things together and supervise them, and of course time them so they would get done about the same time. The truth is that we can’t really multitask, our brain can switch from one task to another really quickly and all we do is tiring ourselves out. I used to be a proud multitasker at work. I kept an eye on the cashiers, checked what needed to be refilled, asked for customer feedback, filled out catering forms, and who knew what else. The truth is that my brain got used to being able to switch from one task to another within a split second so I didn’t miss a beat in between. But I was dead tired by the end of the day. Today I enjoy the multitasking of breathing while I sleep. Kidding, I still listen to a podcast while I file my receipts or do some crafts while I watch a movie. 

What’s important is not to waste time with splitting your attention between someone important and something less important. You need to know when to give undivided attention to a person or an issue. You can agree to a signal with your partner or parents when you need full attention and not just babbling because something came to mind. When you might say: I just need to have a pair of sympathetic ears right now. 

Next time you can return the favor. 

This way you might be able to relieve some stress and get closer to your partner too! 

Amen to that!

So that is it today, I will have a few minutes follow up on Thursday, so just as we have a pre-episode, we will have a post-episode section as well

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I will talk to you next time on Thursday. 

Until then, explore, think, create, communicate, let your Humanly Genius emerge, grow and become your authentic self. Meantime I’ll do the same and will embrace my precious community around me! Talk to you Later!